From Frustration to a Pause

By Jorinde Rapsey

I walk into the kitchen after a long, exhausting day, sanding logs for the forest cabin I’m thrilled to be building with my dear family. I had left the kitchen clean and tidy that morning.

Now, plates with burnt crusts and strawberry crowns clutter the counter. Glasses, coated with dried yogurt and fruit smoothies, sit untouched.

I sigh. Not inspired to cook anymore.

"Can you please just clean up after yourself?" My irritation seeps into my voice as I speak to my nearly 16-year-old daughter.

I’m about to add, “I helped you muck out the horses yesterday; the least you could do for me is clean up after yourself.”

But I pause.

I notice my irritation, the tension in my body. I know that if I say something like this, trying to instill guilt so she’ll ‘finally learn’ responsibility, the likely outcome won’t be satisfying for either of us.

Knowing her, she’d either quickly do it, but with resentment, leading to disconnect for days… or she’d push back and refuse altogether. And worst of all, she’d likely ask me for help less in the future, fearing there would be strings attached.

Breaking the Cycle

In that moment, I catch myself. I pause. And I remember something that has shaped my parenting journey, captured in this quote:

“When parents don’t take responsibility for their own unfinished business, they miss an opportunity not only to become better parents but also to continue their own development. People who remain in the dark about the origins of their behaviors and intense emotional responses are unaware of their unresolved issues and the parental ambivalence they create.”
— Daniel J. Siegel, Parenting from the Inside Out

My friend and colleague Merijn de Jong describes this beautifully in his reflection on moving from trigger to inspiration:

“I feel triggered. Irritated. By my environment, by my children, by my partner. They don’t listen. They don’t do what I want. I want control. I want things my way. Cut the tomatoes the way I like. Clean the mess first.
But beneath this irritation, I see something deeper.

I see oppression. Not just outwardly, towards others, but inwardly, toward myself. I’m disconnected. I’m suppressing my own body, my own needs, my own feelings. And because I’m not in self-connection, I project this back onto my environment, onto the people I love most.

I want to break this cycle. This cycle of control, irritation, and disconnection. A cycle of shit passed down to me. I don’t want to pass it on to my children. I want to draw a full stop here.

But to do that, I must face resistance. I must move through the discomfort, the triggers, the tightness in my body. And how do I do that?

By breathing.”

His words resonate deeply with me.

So I Breathe…

I suddenly feel gratitude.

Gratitude for the awareness that allows me to pause. Gratitude for the people in my life who hold space for me when I need it. Without judgment, without advice. Just spaciousness.

And I know that when I receive this spaciousness, I can show up differently with my daughter. I can approach her with an open heart, grounded in my deeper needs: longing for teamwork, respect, and consideration; rather than reacting from frustration.

💬 Have you ever caught yourself in a moment like this? Would you enjoy learning in a supportive community of parents who are committed to ‘breaking the cycle’ and parenting in ways that deepen connection?